Thursday 5 April 2007

Letter to Sue Barker - 9th February 2007

Ms Sue Barker
A Question of Sport
BBC Television
New Broadcasting House
Oxford Road
Manchester
M60 1SJ

9th February 2007

Dear Sue

Question of Sport Captain

Like most of the country I bet you were delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. Well, like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on. For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.

I’m going to take part.

I’ve selected the Olympic Marathon as my event and I’ve already started my training and preparation. I’m not exactly a novice - I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain British female marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the rather distasteful need to stop off for a number two half way round either).

I’ve already been in contact with UK Athletics and their Elite Athlete supremo – Dave Collins – has confirmed his support for my Olympic dream. I’m waiting for confirmation from Seb that my entry is in – but he seems a bit busy on the accounts at the minute. And I’m in the process of sorting out a media chap to handle my press and the like.

I notice that you’re about to lose one of your captains. To be honest I’ve never really been that struck on that Ali McBeal bloke – half the time he sounds like one of those annoying Scots you find in railway station bars and the rest of the time he’s just plain incoherent. I suppose the only redeeming factor he’s got is that because he’s Scottish it doesn’t matter if he loses. To be honest I sometimes hanker for the good old days with Henry Cooper and Bill Beaumont – some of these modern sportsmen just don’t seem to have the same values do they? Mind you, you’ll be delighted to know that I think you’ve made a decent fist of it and at least following the demise of the sad David Coleman you don’t come on sounding half-cut!!
Anyhow I can see you wondering what on earth this has to do with you – so I’ll get to the point.

In short, I think I’m your man for the soon-to-be-vacant Captain’s berth! I’m pretty knowledgeable about sport – I always do well on the Picture Round - and I’m not the nervous kind! Certainly I could see you and I developing an on-screen magnetism – just think we could be the new Natasha Kaplinski and Bill Turnbull! I’m also pretty well in with the sporting world and if you needed me to sort out my own team I’m pretty sure I could bring along Bruce Grobbelaar and Joe Pasquale for my debut show. You could then sort out some other sporting stars for future shows - I’m sure you still have connections from your days as a jockey.

I’ve also been thinking about developing a catchphrase. How about one of the following:

“Mange Tout Sue “
“Miss Barker – you are a farker”

Or how about a simple “Chase Me” and I could run around the studio whilst you chased me. If you could dress as a French Maid that would add to this ‘sexual chemistry’ thing we’ll be working on.

You’ll obviously want to check out my sporting credentials – well, you can follow my progress towards Olympic glory, including my training and race schedule on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com

Any more info you need, just let me know – otherwise, let’s get together Sue!

How about a spot of lunch?

Let me know.

Keep on tapering


Ron

PS I was really sorry you decided to stop doing Changing Rooms – I thought you were the best thing on the telly when you did that. Mind you I think I’d have called it a day having to work with that hermaphrodite fop Llewleyn-Jones – what is it about these Celtic types that make them so bloody annoying eh??

No response from Miss Barker. Never mind - I'll keep trying for my big break in TV. You have to have belief - and I have that by the bucket load.

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