I'm getting the hang of this technology lark now. Mind you, I still hanker for the days when a pencil behind the year held the key to all communications!
Anyway, I've now managed to put on the replies to my correspondence - so click on the list of letters on the left and up should pop the original letter and then the reply!
Just getting to work on posting a whole heap of other correspondence I've had with captains of industry - and there are some shocks in store I can tell tou.
Keep on tapering.
Ron
Monday, 9 April 2007
Thursday, 5 April 2007
Letter to Sue Barker - 9th February 2007
Ms Sue Barker
A Question of Sport
BBC Television
New Broadcasting House
Oxford Road
Manchester
M60 1SJ
9th February 2007
Dear Sue
Question of Sport Captain
Like most of the country I bet you were delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. Well, like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on. For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I’m going to take part.
I’ve selected the Olympic Marathon as my event and I’ve already started my training and preparation. I’m not exactly a novice - I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain British female marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the rather distasteful need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
I’ve already been in contact with UK Athletics and their Elite Athlete supremo – Dave Collins – has confirmed his support for my Olympic dream. I’m waiting for confirmation from Seb that my entry is in – but he seems a bit busy on the accounts at the minute. And I’m in the process of sorting out a media chap to handle my press and the like.
I notice that you’re about to lose one of your captains. To be honest I’ve never really been that struck on that Ali McBeal bloke – half the time he sounds like one of those annoying Scots you find in railway station bars and the rest of the time he’s just plain incoherent. I suppose the only redeeming factor he’s got is that because he’s Scottish it doesn’t matter if he loses. To be honest I sometimes hanker for the good old days with Henry Cooper and Bill Beaumont – some of these modern sportsmen just don’t seem to have the same values do they? Mind you, you’ll be delighted to know that I think you’ve made a decent fist of it and at least following the demise of the sad David Coleman you don’t come on sounding half-cut!!
Anyhow I can see you wondering what on earth this has to do with you – so I’ll get to the point.
In short, I think I’m your man for the soon-to-be-vacant Captain’s berth! I’m pretty knowledgeable about sport – I always do well on the Picture Round - and I’m not the nervous kind! Certainly I could see you and I developing an on-screen magnetism – just think we could be the new Natasha Kaplinski and Bill Turnbull! I’m also pretty well in with the sporting world and if you needed me to sort out my own team I’m pretty sure I could bring along Bruce Grobbelaar and Joe Pasquale for my debut show. You could then sort out some other sporting stars for future shows - I’m sure you still have connections from your days as a jockey.
I’ve also been thinking about developing a catchphrase. How about one of the following:
“Mange Tout Sue “
“Miss Barker – you are a farker”
Or how about a simple “Chase Me” and I could run around the studio whilst you chased me. If you could dress as a French Maid that would add to this ‘sexual chemistry’ thing we’ll be working on.
You’ll obviously want to check out my sporting credentials – well, you can follow my progress towards Olympic glory, including my training and race schedule on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com
Any more info you need, just let me know – otherwise, let’s get together Sue!
How about a spot of lunch?
Let me know.
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS I was really sorry you decided to stop doing Changing Rooms – I thought you were the best thing on the telly when you did that. Mind you I think I’d have called it a day having to work with that hermaphrodite fop Llewleyn-Jones – what is it about these Celtic types that make them so bloody annoying eh??
No response from Miss Barker. Never mind - I'll keep trying for my big break in TV. You have to have belief - and I have that by the bucket load.
A Question of Sport
BBC Television
New Broadcasting House
Oxford Road
Manchester
M60 1SJ
9th February 2007
Dear Sue
Question of Sport Captain
Like most of the country I bet you were delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. Well, like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on. For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I’m going to take part.
I’ve selected the Olympic Marathon as my event and I’ve already started my training and preparation. I’m not exactly a novice - I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain British female marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the rather distasteful need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
I’ve already been in contact with UK Athletics and their Elite Athlete supremo – Dave Collins – has confirmed his support for my Olympic dream. I’m waiting for confirmation from Seb that my entry is in – but he seems a bit busy on the accounts at the minute. And I’m in the process of sorting out a media chap to handle my press and the like.
I notice that you’re about to lose one of your captains. To be honest I’ve never really been that struck on that Ali McBeal bloke – half the time he sounds like one of those annoying Scots you find in railway station bars and the rest of the time he’s just plain incoherent. I suppose the only redeeming factor he’s got is that because he’s Scottish it doesn’t matter if he loses. To be honest I sometimes hanker for the good old days with Henry Cooper and Bill Beaumont – some of these modern sportsmen just don’t seem to have the same values do they? Mind you, you’ll be delighted to know that I think you’ve made a decent fist of it and at least following the demise of the sad David Coleman you don’t come on sounding half-cut!!
Anyhow I can see you wondering what on earth this has to do with you – so I’ll get to the point.
In short, I think I’m your man for the soon-to-be-vacant Captain’s berth! I’m pretty knowledgeable about sport – I always do well on the Picture Round - and I’m not the nervous kind! Certainly I could see you and I developing an on-screen magnetism – just think we could be the new Natasha Kaplinski and Bill Turnbull! I’m also pretty well in with the sporting world and if you needed me to sort out my own team I’m pretty sure I could bring along Bruce Grobbelaar and Joe Pasquale for my debut show. You could then sort out some other sporting stars for future shows - I’m sure you still have connections from your days as a jockey.
I’ve also been thinking about developing a catchphrase. How about one of the following:
“Mange Tout Sue “
“Miss Barker – you are a farker”
Or how about a simple “Chase Me” and I could run around the studio whilst you chased me. If you could dress as a French Maid that would add to this ‘sexual chemistry’ thing we’ll be working on.
You’ll obviously want to check out my sporting credentials – well, you can follow my progress towards Olympic glory, including my training and race schedule on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com
Any more info you need, just let me know – otherwise, let’s get together Sue!
How about a spot of lunch?
Let me know.
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS I was really sorry you decided to stop doing Changing Rooms – I thought you were the best thing on the telly when you did that. Mind you I think I’d have called it a day having to work with that hermaphrodite fop Llewleyn-Jones – what is it about these Celtic types that make them so bloody annoying eh??
No response from Miss Barker. Never mind - I'll keep trying for my big break in TV. You have to have belief - and I have that by the bucket load.
Letter to Max Clifford - 9th February 2007
Mr M Clifford
Max Clifford Associates
Moss House
15-16 Brooks Mews
Mayfair
London
W1K 4DS
9th February 2007
Dear Mr Clifford
Media/PR for 2012 Olympic Gold Medalist
Like most of the country I bet you were delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. I certainly was – if for no other reason than to see those French faces when the announcement was made. It made my year seeing their little red faces!
Well, like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on. For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I’m going to take part.
I’ve selected the Olympic Marathon as my event and I’ve already started my training and preparation. I’m not exactly a novice - I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain British female marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the rather distasteful need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
A pipedream? Well, to some maybe. But not to this kiddie! Nope – I’m your man for Gold Mr Difford. I’ve already been in contact with UK Athletics and their Elite Athlete supremo – Dave Collins – has confirmed his support for my Olympic dream. I’m waiting for confirmation from Seb that my entry is in – but he seems a bit busy on the accounts at the minute.
Anyhow I can see you wondering what on earth this has to do with you – so I’ll get to the point.
In addition to my strict regime of running, fitness training, diet and near Buddhist lifestyle, I’ve realised that I need a first class support team around me to bring home the bacon – and a positive and high profile media presence is at the top of my list of priorities.
I need media coverage to encourage sponsors to come forward, I need press mentions to continue to receive invitations to some of the high profile running events in Europe – and I’m hoping to persuade somebody to invite me somewhere hot for some warm weather training. But to get all that - I need to be well known. So, if you want to be the best, recruit the best I say!
That’s why I’ve decided not to shop around the market – I’d like you to be my media adviser. What a team we’ll make! So, I’d be obliged if you could get to work on getting me some decent press coverage right away. Until the old endorsements start to roll in, my budget is obviously limited – but don’t let that put you off Max – you’re on to a winner with this kiddie I can tell you!
Now, as for the strategy I’m quite happy to be guided by you as to the type of story you think you should break. To be honest, and I don’t know about you, whilst I’m strictly from the ‘any publicity is good publicity’ school, I do draw the line at animal stories – so I’m not really up for eating hamsters and the like! I’m also not that keen on any really sordid sex scandals – but, obviously if it propels me to the front pages pronto then it’s something I’ll have to consider. (Mind you, you’d best have a plan to deal with the Half Share in the House – she can get a bit touchy about that sort of thing!). Oh – and whilst I’m up for any ‘three in a bed’ scandal-type exclusives, I’d rather the women be – well, between you and I, she must be fit! Can you pull any strings with Cilla Black? Or, I suppose if needs must you could always drag Zoe Ball back in the limelight – she’s always seemed up for it! I certainly don’t want to go within a mile that Big Brother woman, though - or her blessed mother!
But I’ll leave the details to you. Why not have a think and send me some ideas? I’ll have a quick scan then we can firm things up over lunch if you like.
You’ll need some photos obviously. Now as it happens, I do take part in a number of events both at home and overseas and I’d be happy to surround myself with some pretty young things for a couple of photo opportunities. You can follow my Olympic training and race schedule on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com
Any more info you need, just let me know – otherwise, let’s get those stories Max!
Incidentally I saw you on your new TV programme on Saturday night. Max, a word in your ear – not Graham Norton please! I’m not homophobic but I just don’t do that sort of stuff – OK?
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS Incidentally, could you settle an argument between me and the Half Share. I say that ‘I’m a Pink Toothbrush’ was your first number 1 – but she says that it was only when you released those ‘Sing-A-Long-A-Max’ albums that you had a number 1 – tell me I’m right please!
No response has been received from Mr Clifford - and he's supposed to be the best PR guy in the business! I have, therefore, reluctantly fired him from the position of Media Director and assumed all responsibilities in this respect myself.
Max Clifford Associates
Moss House
15-16 Brooks Mews
Mayfair
London
W1K 4DS
9th February 2007
Dear Mr Clifford
Media/PR for 2012 Olympic Gold Medalist
Like most of the country I bet you were delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. I certainly was – if for no other reason than to see those French faces when the announcement was made. It made my year seeing their little red faces!
Well, like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on. For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I’m going to take part.
I’ve selected the Olympic Marathon as my event and I’ve already started my training and preparation. I’m not exactly a novice - I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain British female marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the rather distasteful need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
A pipedream? Well, to some maybe. But not to this kiddie! Nope – I’m your man for Gold Mr Difford. I’ve already been in contact with UK Athletics and their Elite Athlete supremo – Dave Collins – has confirmed his support for my Olympic dream. I’m waiting for confirmation from Seb that my entry is in – but he seems a bit busy on the accounts at the minute.
Anyhow I can see you wondering what on earth this has to do with you – so I’ll get to the point.
In addition to my strict regime of running, fitness training, diet and near Buddhist lifestyle, I’ve realised that I need a first class support team around me to bring home the bacon – and a positive and high profile media presence is at the top of my list of priorities.
I need media coverage to encourage sponsors to come forward, I need press mentions to continue to receive invitations to some of the high profile running events in Europe – and I’m hoping to persuade somebody to invite me somewhere hot for some warm weather training. But to get all that - I need to be well known. So, if you want to be the best, recruit the best I say!
That’s why I’ve decided not to shop around the market – I’d like you to be my media adviser. What a team we’ll make! So, I’d be obliged if you could get to work on getting me some decent press coverage right away. Until the old endorsements start to roll in, my budget is obviously limited – but don’t let that put you off Max – you’re on to a winner with this kiddie I can tell you!
Now, as for the strategy I’m quite happy to be guided by you as to the type of story you think you should break. To be honest, and I don’t know about you, whilst I’m strictly from the ‘any publicity is good publicity’ school, I do draw the line at animal stories – so I’m not really up for eating hamsters and the like! I’m also not that keen on any really sordid sex scandals – but, obviously if it propels me to the front pages pronto then it’s something I’ll have to consider. (Mind you, you’d best have a plan to deal with the Half Share in the House – she can get a bit touchy about that sort of thing!). Oh – and whilst I’m up for any ‘three in a bed’ scandal-type exclusives, I’d rather the women be – well, between you and I, she must be fit! Can you pull any strings with Cilla Black? Or, I suppose if needs must you could always drag Zoe Ball back in the limelight – she’s always seemed up for it! I certainly don’t want to go within a mile that Big Brother woman, though - or her blessed mother!
But I’ll leave the details to you. Why not have a think and send me some ideas? I’ll have a quick scan then we can firm things up over lunch if you like.
You’ll need some photos obviously. Now as it happens, I do take part in a number of events both at home and overseas and I’d be happy to surround myself with some pretty young things for a couple of photo opportunities. You can follow my Olympic training and race schedule on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com
Any more info you need, just let me know – otherwise, let’s get those stories Max!
Incidentally I saw you on your new TV programme on Saturday night. Max, a word in your ear – not Graham Norton please! I’m not homophobic but I just don’t do that sort of stuff – OK?
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS Incidentally, could you settle an argument between me and the Half Share. I say that ‘I’m a Pink Toothbrush’ was your first number 1 – but she says that it was only when you released those ‘Sing-A-Long-A-Max’ albums that you had a number 1 – tell me I’m right please!
No response has been received from Mr Clifford - and he's supposed to be the best PR guy in the business! I have, therefore, reluctantly fired him from the position of Media Director and assumed all responsibilities in this respect myself.
Letter to Richard Caborn - 16th January 2007
The Rt Hon Richard Caborn MP
Minister for Sport
Department for Culture, Media and Sport
2-4 Cockspur Street
London
SW1Y 5DH
16th January 2007
Dear Rt Hon Caborn
2012 Olympics
Like most of the country I was delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. What an honour for us all! What an opportunity for the country! And what a sight to see those French faces when the announcement was made! Like you, it made my year seeing their little red faces. I did notice that little smirk on your face as well – right on Right Hon!
I’ve already written to Seb and urged him to grasp this opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on – mind you, we must put our minds to it. I’ve hinted to him that he doesn’t rely on those two clowns in Downing Street for too much help either. Mind you, from what I’ve heard you haven’t got that much time for them either. Rest assured that despite what the TV and newspapers show – we all know who it is that’s doing the spade work whilst the Dynamic Duo claim the credit. So keep it up your Honour!
For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I’m going to take part.
So, I’ve begun my training and preparation for the Olympic Marathon. I know that you’ve done a bit of running in your time - well so have I! Indeed, I’ve even done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
You’ll also be relieved to know that I’m not going for a typical Brit performance. You know what I mean - try my damned hardest and finish second. Nope – no Henman/Ashes Squad/Twickenham clown performance from me. That gold medal has got my name written on it. Twixt you and me, my dream is to turn the corner on the Mall and give it the old sprint finish and leave a couple of Frenchies gasping in my wake. A pipedream? Well, to some maybe. But not to this kiddie – I’m your man for Gold your Rt Honship!!
Now I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve sorted out my entry for the race with Seb and he’ll no doubt be sending me the uniform and so forth in due course.
My training involves me taking part in a number of events both at home and overseas – this spring I’ll be taking part in races in the UK, Belgium, Holland, France, Luxembourg and Kent. And I thought it would be a great idea if I were to become one of your roving Olympic Games Ambassadors. I’m not too bad at the old diplomacy thing – so long as I don’t have to stomach too much of the foreign food anyway. And I’m OK with wine and beer – what I mean by that is that I can take my beer (not like some Archbishops we could mention eh?) which means I’m a safe pair of hands when there’s the odd reception to attend. So, I’d be happy to spread the word about the 2012 Games – tell them how good its going to be, maybe flog a few tickets and grease the odd palm here and there.
What do I get out of it? Well there’s the pride of representing my country before the games as well as during it; there’s the chance to get involved with some of our foreign mates on a more formal basis. And I’d like to wear some Olympic gear – now that would really set me apart when I’m tanning the hides of Johnny Foreigner wouldn’t it? My next little jolly is to Bruges on March 4th for the Ostend to Bruges 10 Miler – so if you could swing it to get me something with the old Olympic rings to run in I’d be ever so chuffed.
If you want to know where I’m racing – and also keep up with my training schedule and how I’m getting on with my Olympic preparations check me out on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com.
You can send any uniforms or badges through to me at the above address – and I realise I’ll have to sign the Official Secrets Act too – so send all that gubbins round as well.
And that’s it! Good luck with the training for your next run your Honour – and the best of luck too with the building work.
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS Would I be entitled to have any letters after my name? The Rt Hon Ron OlymAmb sounds neat doesn’t it?
Response from Tom Powell, Department of Media, Culture and Sport dated 12th February.
Dear Ron
Thank you for your letter to the Minister who has asked me to respond.
I am delighted that you are so focused on the Olympic games in 2012 and I look forward to seeing you standing proud on the podium.
Good luck with the training.
Yours sincerely
Tom Powell
Now that I've got the endorsement from the Minister - note; not a penny paid in backhanders either (are you reading Mr Blair?) - just you watch the commercial deals come flooding in now!
Minister for Sport
Department for Culture, Media and Sport
2-4 Cockspur Street
London
SW1Y 5DH
16th January 2007
Dear Rt Hon Caborn
2012 Olympics
Like most of the country I was delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. What an honour for us all! What an opportunity for the country! And what a sight to see those French faces when the announcement was made! Like you, it made my year seeing their little red faces. I did notice that little smirk on your face as well – right on Right Hon!
I’ve already written to Seb and urged him to grasp this opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on – mind you, we must put our minds to it. I’ve hinted to him that he doesn’t rely on those two clowns in Downing Street for too much help either. Mind you, from what I’ve heard you haven’t got that much time for them either. Rest assured that despite what the TV and newspapers show – we all know who it is that’s doing the spade work whilst the Dynamic Duo claim the credit. So keep it up your Honour!
For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I’m going to take part.
So, I’ve begun my training and preparation for the Olympic Marathon. I know that you’ve done a bit of running in your time - well so have I! Indeed, I’ve even done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
You’ll also be relieved to know that I’m not going for a typical Brit performance. You know what I mean - try my damned hardest and finish second. Nope – no Henman/Ashes Squad/Twickenham clown performance from me. That gold medal has got my name written on it. Twixt you and me, my dream is to turn the corner on the Mall and give it the old sprint finish and leave a couple of Frenchies gasping in my wake. A pipedream? Well, to some maybe. But not to this kiddie – I’m your man for Gold your Rt Honship!!
Now I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve sorted out my entry for the race with Seb and he’ll no doubt be sending me the uniform and so forth in due course.
My training involves me taking part in a number of events both at home and overseas – this spring I’ll be taking part in races in the UK, Belgium, Holland, France, Luxembourg and Kent. And I thought it would be a great idea if I were to become one of your roving Olympic Games Ambassadors. I’m not too bad at the old diplomacy thing – so long as I don’t have to stomach too much of the foreign food anyway. And I’m OK with wine and beer – what I mean by that is that I can take my beer (not like some Archbishops we could mention eh?) which means I’m a safe pair of hands when there’s the odd reception to attend. So, I’d be happy to spread the word about the 2012 Games – tell them how good its going to be, maybe flog a few tickets and grease the odd palm here and there.
What do I get out of it? Well there’s the pride of representing my country before the games as well as during it; there’s the chance to get involved with some of our foreign mates on a more formal basis. And I’d like to wear some Olympic gear – now that would really set me apart when I’m tanning the hides of Johnny Foreigner wouldn’t it? My next little jolly is to Bruges on March 4th for the Ostend to Bruges 10 Miler – so if you could swing it to get me something with the old Olympic rings to run in I’d be ever so chuffed.
If you want to know where I’m racing – and also keep up with my training schedule and how I’m getting on with my Olympic preparations check me out on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com.
You can send any uniforms or badges through to me at the above address – and I realise I’ll have to sign the Official Secrets Act too – so send all that gubbins round as well.
And that’s it! Good luck with the training for your next run your Honour – and the best of luck too with the building work.
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS Would I be entitled to have any letters after my name? The Rt Hon Ron OlymAmb sounds neat doesn’t it?
Response from Tom Powell, Department of Media, Culture and Sport dated 12th February.
Dear Ron
Thank you for your letter to the Minister who has asked me to respond.
I am delighted that you are so focused on the Olympic games in 2012 and I look forward to seeing you standing proud on the podium.
Good luck with the training.
Yours sincerely
Tom Powell
Now that I've got the endorsement from the Minister - note; not a penny paid in backhanders either (are you reading Mr Blair?) - just you watch the commercial deals come flooding in now!
Letter to Dave Collins - 16th January 2007
Mr D Collins
Performance Director, UK Athletics
Athletics House,
Central Boulevard,
Blythe Valley Park,
Solihull, West Midlands, B90 8AJ.
16th January 2007
Dear Dave
2012 Olympics
Like most of the country I was delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. What an honour for us all! What an opportunity for the country! And what a sight to see those French faces when the announcement was made.
Like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on - if only we put our minds to it. For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I want to take part.
So, I’ve begun my training and preparation for the Olympic Marathon. I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
Now by now you’ll be wondering who the heck I am. Well, Dave I think I’m one of those athletes that’s somehow just avoided being noticed. I heard a commentator on the TV talk about somebody being ‘under the radar’ – well I think that describes me perfectly.
But no longer. My head is now firmly above the parapet and I’m joining your Elite squad.
I’ve looked at your three categories of athletes and if you don’t mind me saying so I’m not sure you’ve got things quite right - but I can live with the system you’ve got in the short term. I’m just worried about your focus on people achieving a podium finish. Don’t you think that’s too much of a British approach? The Aussies wouldn’t have ‘Podium finish’ as an objective. They’d have ‘Gold Medal’!
And that’s the group I want to join.
I think you’ll find that I tick all the right boxes but rather than just turn up with my pumps at your next training session it might be better if we had a chat first. So how about I pop along at your next Elite Training session – do they meet on Tuesdays or Thursdays? – and we can check each other out.
You might want to check out my training programme and racing schedule on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com – feel free to suggest any tweaks here and there – and please feel free to drop me the odd hint if you feel I’m not doing it quite right.
I’m also keen to get my kit sorted out. Now, I do hope that you’re not going for that effeminate-looking stuff they wore in Athens – you need something colourful and mean-looking! Have you thought of running in all black?
I could also do with a bit of advice on how I go about getting appearance money – I’ve seen precious little of that so far I can tell you. And I receive no lottery funding either – so a word in somebody’s ear there would be helpful.
You can send my track suit, vest and Olympic gear to me at the above address. As it happens, I am taking part in a number of events both at home and overseas and I’d be proud to wear some of your flashy Olympic gear.
Looking forward to working with you and best of luck with the training.
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS Any chance of sorting me out with some warm weather training? I quite fancy Fuengirola for a couple of weeks in August if you can swing it.
Response from Dave Collins dated 23rd January.
Dear Ron
Thank you for your fascinating letter, however, given what I have learned from your fascinating blogspot (See? Somebody reads me!!), I think you are hiding your light under a bushel! Might I therefore humbly suggest one of two cunning plans?
1. Your obvious pairs of creativity and ego point to a potential cover as a sprinter. All you really need is some quality bling and a pronounced strut. Can I suggest you try Ratners Jewellers at www.ratnersrus.com for sponsorship. The strut should be available from any local builders merchants.
2. Your ambition and powers of aspiration mark you down as a potential ultra-endurance athlete. For these immensely focused yet often painfully thin commit-niks running the Great Wall of China is a suitable challenge. Might I suggest five re[s of two minutes for recovery?
Get back to me when you have finished.
Yours in sport with deepest respect.
Dave Collins PhD
Performance Director
You see that? "With deepest respect"!! I reckon I'm a shoe-in for that Olympic team now that Dave is on my side!
Thank you for writing and good luck on the road to 2012.
With best wishes
Sebastian Coe KBE
Chairman
London 2102
Now then - I don't know about you - but if that isn't a ringing endorsement for me to tally-ho towards London 2012 I don't know what is!
Response from Lord Coe dated 16th February - and signed personally by Lord Coe. Note to other Captains of sport and industry - not signed by a Numptie!
Dear Ron
Thank you for your letter and enthusiasm and support for London 2012.
I am delighted that you are training for the marathon with the aim of competing in 2012. However it is not possible to "apply" for any sport in the Olympic or Paralympic Games. All athletes must qualify for the Great Britain team by achieving the qualifying criteria in national and international competitions.
I would suggest that you join your local athletics club who will be able to provide you with support and advice. You can find a full list of clubs across the country on the UK Athletics website www.ukathletics.net
Thank you for writing and good luck on the road to 2012.
With best wishes
Sebastian Coe KBE
Chairman
London 2102
Now then - I don't know about you - but if that isn't a ringing endorsement for me to tally-ho towards London 2012 I don't know what is!
Performance Director, UK Athletics
Athletics House,
Central Boulevard,
Blythe Valley Park,
Solihull, West Midlands, B90 8AJ.
16th January 2007
Dear Dave
2012 Olympics
Like most of the country I was delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. What an honour for us all! What an opportunity for the country! And what a sight to see those French faces when the announcement was made.
Like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on - if only we put our minds to it. For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I want to take part.
So, I’ve begun my training and preparation for the Olympic Marathon. I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
Now by now you’ll be wondering who the heck I am. Well, Dave I think I’m one of those athletes that’s somehow just avoided being noticed. I heard a commentator on the TV talk about somebody being ‘under the radar’ – well I think that describes me perfectly.
But no longer. My head is now firmly above the parapet and I’m joining your Elite squad.
I’ve looked at your three categories of athletes and if you don’t mind me saying so I’m not sure you’ve got things quite right - but I can live with the system you’ve got in the short term. I’m just worried about your focus on people achieving a podium finish. Don’t you think that’s too much of a British approach? The Aussies wouldn’t have ‘Podium finish’ as an objective. They’d have ‘Gold Medal’!
And that’s the group I want to join.
I think you’ll find that I tick all the right boxes but rather than just turn up with my pumps at your next training session it might be better if we had a chat first. So how about I pop along at your next Elite Training session – do they meet on Tuesdays or Thursdays? – and we can check each other out.
You might want to check out my training programme and racing schedule on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com – feel free to suggest any tweaks here and there – and please feel free to drop me the odd hint if you feel I’m not doing it quite right.
I’m also keen to get my kit sorted out. Now, I do hope that you’re not going for that effeminate-looking stuff they wore in Athens – you need something colourful and mean-looking! Have you thought of running in all black?
I could also do with a bit of advice on how I go about getting appearance money – I’ve seen precious little of that so far I can tell you. And I receive no lottery funding either – so a word in somebody’s ear there would be helpful.
You can send my track suit, vest and Olympic gear to me at the above address. As it happens, I am taking part in a number of events both at home and overseas and I’d be proud to wear some of your flashy Olympic gear.
Looking forward to working with you and best of luck with the training.
Keep on tapering
Ron
PS Any chance of sorting me out with some warm weather training? I quite fancy Fuengirola for a couple of weeks in August if you can swing it.
Response from Dave Collins dated 23rd January.
Dear Ron
Thank you for your fascinating letter, however, given what I have learned from your fascinating blogspot (See? Somebody reads me!!), I think you are hiding your light under a bushel! Might I therefore humbly suggest one of two cunning plans?
1. Your obvious pairs of creativity and ego point to a potential cover as a sprinter. All you really need is some quality bling and a pronounced strut. Can I suggest you try Ratners Jewellers at www.ratnersrus.com for sponsorship. The strut should be available from any local builders merchants.
2. Your ambition and powers of aspiration mark you down as a potential ultra-endurance athlete. For these immensely focused yet often painfully thin commit-niks running the Great Wall of China is a suitable challenge. Might I suggest five re[s of two minutes for recovery?
Get back to me when you have finished.
Yours in sport with deepest respect.
Dave Collins PhD
Performance Director
You see that? "With deepest respect"!! I reckon I'm a shoe-in for that Olympic team now that Dave is on my side!
Thank you for writing and good luck on the road to 2012.
With best wishes
Sebastian Coe KBE
Chairman
London 2102
Now then - I don't know about you - but if that isn't a ringing endorsement for me to tally-ho towards London 2012 I don't know what is!
Response from Lord Coe dated 16th February - and signed personally by Lord Coe. Note to other Captains of sport and industry - not signed by a Numptie!
Dear Ron
Thank you for your letter and enthusiasm and support for London 2012.
I am delighted that you are training for the marathon with the aim of competing in 2012. However it is not possible to "apply" for any sport in the Olympic or Paralympic Games. All athletes must qualify for the Great Britain team by achieving the qualifying criteria in national and international competitions.
I would suggest that you join your local athletics club who will be able to provide you with support and advice. You can find a full list of clubs across the country on the UK Athletics website www.ukathletics.net
Thank you for writing and good luck on the road to 2012.
With best wishes
Sebastian Coe KBE
Chairman
London 2102
Now then - I don't know about you - but if that isn't a ringing endorsement for me to tally-ho towards London 2012 I don't know what is!
Letter to Lord Coe - 16th January 2007
Lord Coe
London 2012
One Churchill Place
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LN
16th January 2007
Dear Lord Coe
2012 Olympics
Like most of the country I was delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. What an honour for you. What an honour for us all! What an opportunity for the country! And what a sight to see those French faces when the announcement was made. It made my year seeing their little red faces. I have to say that I think I also detected a slight smirk on your face as well your Highness!
Like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on - if only we put our minds to it. Hopefully you’ll not rely too much on those wombats in Number 10 and 11 for too much help – mind you, you’ll not see them for dust now they’ve had their photo opportunities. But never mind, you’ll find there’s an army of us willing helpers out here in the country who’ll not mind getting their hands dirty for the sake of the show.
For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I want to take part.
So, I’ve begun my training and preparation for the Olympic Marathon. I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain female marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the rather distasteful need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
You’ll also be relieved to know that I’m not going for a typical Brit performance – you know, try as hard as I can but come second. Nope – that gold medal has got my name written on it already. In fact my dream is to turn the corner on the Mall and do the old sprint finish, leaving a couple of Frenchies gasping in my wake. Talk about rubbing their noses in it!
A pipedream? Well, to some maybe. But not to this kiddie! Nope – I’m your man for Gold your Lordship!! Just imagine, come 2012 and the BBC Sports Personality of the Year – we’d make the Dream Team wouldn’t we? You and your chaps in the Olympic office as Best Team and your man Ron here as Sports Personality of the Year! I can’t wait to see Sue Barker twitch when she sees us two eh?
So, if you could send me an entry form for the race I’ll do the necessaries and let you have it back pronto. I assume you just need date of birth and a signature.
Now, being a true Brit, in exchange for my commitment I ask for nothing in return. That said, if you could have word with the chaps who do the warm weather training I’d be grateful. It’s flippin’ parky round these country lanes I can tell you.
You can send my suit, tie, track suit and Olympic pumps to me at the above address. As it happens, I am taking part in a number of events both at home and overseas and I’d be proud to wear some of your Olympic gear – if nothing else it should help shift a few tickets for you. You can follow my Olympic training programme on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com
Best of luck with the building work.
Keep on tapering
Ron
Response from Lord Coe dated 16th February - and signed personally by Lord Coe. Note to other Captains of sport and industry - not signed by a Numptie!
Dear Ron
Thank you for your letter and enthusiasm and support for London 2012.
I am delighted that you are training for the marathon with the aim of competing in 2012. However it is not possible to "apply" for any sport in the Olympic or Paralympic Games. All athletes must qualify for the Great Britain team by achieving the qualifying criteria in national and international competitions.
I would suggest that you join your local athletics club who will be able to provide you with support and advice. You can find a full list of clubs across the country on the UK Athletics website www.ukathletics.net
Thank you for writing and good luck on the road to 2012.
With best wishes
Sebastian Coe KBE
Chairman
London 2102
Now then - I don't know about you - but if that isn't a ringing endorsement for me to tally-ho towards London 2012 I don't know what is!
London 2012
One Churchill Place
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LN
16th January 2007
Dear Lord Coe
2012 Olympics
Like most of the country I was delighted when Great Britain was awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. What an honour for you. What an honour for us all! What an opportunity for the country! And what a sight to see those French faces when the announcement was made. It made my year seeing their little red faces. I have to say that I think I also detected a slight smirk on your face as well your Highness!
Like the bulk of sports fans I can’t wait for 2012 and the opportunity to show the world what a show we Brits can put on - if only we put our minds to it. Hopefully you’ll not rely too much on those wombats in Number 10 and 11 for too much help – mind you, you’ll not see them for dust now they’ve had their photo opportunities. But never mind, you’ll find there’s an army of us willing helpers out here in the country who’ll not mind getting their hands dirty for the sake of the show.
For my part I’ve decided to embrace this Olympic opportunity 100%. But not for me a passive role as a spectator.
I want to take part.
So, I’ve begun my training and preparation for the Olympic Marathon. I’ve done a bit of running in my time and, indeed, I’ve done the marathon distance before. In fact – and I don’t like to sound too negative about our country’s heroes - but, unlike certain female marathon runners I could name, I can at least safely say that I’ve finished every marathon I’ve started (and I’ve never felt the rather distasteful need to stop off for a number two half way round either).
You’ll also be relieved to know that I’m not going for a typical Brit performance – you know, try as hard as I can but come second. Nope – that gold medal has got my name written on it already. In fact my dream is to turn the corner on the Mall and do the old sprint finish, leaving a couple of Frenchies gasping in my wake. Talk about rubbing their noses in it!
A pipedream? Well, to some maybe. But not to this kiddie! Nope – I’m your man for Gold your Lordship!! Just imagine, come 2012 and the BBC Sports Personality of the Year – we’d make the Dream Team wouldn’t we? You and your chaps in the Olympic office as Best Team and your man Ron here as Sports Personality of the Year! I can’t wait to see Sue Barker twitch when she sees us two eh?
So, if you could send me an entry form for the race I’ll do the necessaries and let you have it back pronto. I assume you just need date of birth and a signature.
Now, being a true Brit, in exchange for my commitment I ask for nothing in return. That said, if you could have word with the chaps who do the warm weather training I’d be grateful. It’s flippin’ parky round these country lanes I can tell you.
You can send my suit, tie, track suit and Olympic pumps to me at the above address. As it happens, I am taking part in a number of events both at home and overseas and I’d be proud to wear some of your Olympic gear – if nothing else it should help shift a few tickets for you. You can follow my Olympic training programme on the internet at www.ronhillsalterego.blogspot.com
Best of luck with the building work.
Keep on tapering
Ron
Response from Lord Coe dated 16th February - and signed personally by Lord Coe. Note to other Captains of sport and industry - not signed by a Numptie!
Dear Ron
Thank you for your letter and enthusiasm and support for London 2012.
I am delighted that you are training for the marathon with the aim of competing in 2012. However it is not possible to "apply" for any sport in the Olympic or Paralympic Games. All athletes must qualify for the Great Britain team by achieving the qualifying criteria in national and international competitions.
I would suggest that you join your local athletics club who will be able to provide you with support and advice. You can find a full list of clubs across the country on the UK Athletics website www.ukathletics.net
Thank you for writing and good luck on the road to 2012.
With best wishes
Sebastian Coe KBE
Chairman
London 2102
Now then - I don't know about you - but if that isn't a ringing endorsement for me to tally-ho towards London 2012 I don't know what is!
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